This one is for you, my friend. So often in my heart I have walked with you as you trudged alone on heartbreak land. I have felt the desolate darkness, the betrayal. So many of us are walking there all the time, yesterday, today, tomorrow.
This is not to console you, but sometimes there are no answers for what happens. No reply to the 'why?' which always rises in our hearts as we weep silently. And it all seems so one –sided as we think of all the sacrifices and adjustments we kept doing in the name of love. So, would it mean that there was no love the other side? There was, it just did not reach up to our expectations.
In our naiveté, we waited for getting it all back in equal measure, in a way we were dreaming about. I think that was the beginning of the rift that became a gap and then dwindled into a silent chasm that could not be bridged, ever.
We drew solace from friends who were so with us, so mad at the other side that they hated them, by proxy. But did the other person have the luxury of a friend they could pour their heart out to? We were lucky that in the midst of heartbreak we forged new friendships, we were moving ahead, finding new pursuits, albeit under coercion from our friends.
What did they have? Maybe a king- size guilt that they could not give us much, that we could not have the life we dreamt about together, the children we wanted to have? It’s all so universal, so human that that it has happened all around us and keeps happening. So, where does life take us from here? Once again there are no signposts, no books to go by that works for everyone. Of course there are the self- help books but when we are in heartbreak land, where is the inclination to seek these books?
Some of us are left bitter, with scars that pop open ever so often that we are constantly taking swipes at happy couples and love, some others become stoics and stay away from entanglements, and some of us wear our hearts on our sleeves all the time waiting for the gap to be filled by another love. Yeah, the list goes on, as do the unfinished endings. It goes on…….
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Saturday, January 17, 2009
happiness and joy!
Now ,it tickles my funny bone, no, not because I have been exempt from this emotion, but because I can see how the same heart that can love someone to excesses can also laugh at the same things at a later point in time! Nor will I be able to honestly say that I am beyond feeling the same emotions again!
Life is beautiful; I know you will agree that what I say is so inane. It gets even more beautiful when someone waltzes into our unsuspecting heart or our path as we walk along. And then we go careening down all the way into heartbreak land. Only, it’s that I believe that we all have such soft landings that we don’t wake up for a while and our slumber continues to lull us in a pink cocoon?
The tick of the wall clock in a silent room that enhances the tingle of anticipation when we are waiting for that special someone? Oh yes, you can even smell the fragrance in the breeze which would blow even otherwise in our daily existence! I mean, love evokes such poignant and intense emotions inside us when we are in love and it feels as if the universe around us echoes only to that.
And I hope this doesn’t happen to any one of you in love, but when we come out of the cloistered walls of this sacred emotion, we feel dizzy – trying to land on our toes with a semblance of sanity. We vow that it was a close call, that it’s not for us, that we have been there, done that….
When every person that you know has experienced love in their own unique way, I guess it is difficult for them to understand what we see in the ones we love. I have always felt that our friends put up with silence and stoicism our love for someone and secretly heave a sigh of relief when it’s over and we are once again on safer terrain! What is it about that special someone that makes our heart blip so crazily? And why does it change when it’s over? Where does the magic go? My friends would give me endless answers that it transforms into domesticity, into building and living a life together? Does it conclude that anyone not in love is not living in domesticity?
I would say that the magic, the fragrant breeze, the splendid sunset are all still there. That doesn’t change, what does, is our thinking. We inherently believe that happiness and joy has to be shared. By extension of this corollary we believe that it can only be done with the people we are in love with?! I did believe too till I discovered the love of silence. It was an alien sensation, quite unlike the chatter in my head, more so when we are in love! Initially I was drawn into this silence against my will and everything in me wanted to run away; it was so strange and discomfiting.
A day came when I stopped running and stood still. It was a sweet moment and more eternal than any ephemeral human emotion. Inside me coursed pure sensations that touched something which till then I had thought to be inside another heart! In course of time I have learnt to accept that emotion as joy. I have learned that joy is inside us, that happiness can be person/ event related but that joy is always there inside. We need to strengthen that by just acknowledging her presence. The outer world crumbles and cracks around us but the inner world stays intact.
I guess this is what the yogis of yore found after a lot of penance and meditation. I would even go so far as to say that the beatific smile on their face is just a realization of this simple truth as they went in search of complex issues and answers?!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
changing definitions
way back, decades ago, 'she' was just another eager -eyed, gawky college girl, in awe of the literary heavyweights that were her subject curriculum. hours were spent in the classroom and the library pouring over books by literary critics. and it was always a rush for bookings for any new book written by literary critics that were periodically issued in the college library.
literature and more so, poetry was a hallowed subject that elicited awe and inspiration for the poets throughout the ages. as students of literature we couldn't mess around with the existing definitions of style. line syllable, alliteration. all we were allowed was to memorise the lines of poems, the names of various critics and their quotes. these were the factors that would elicit a positive response from our professors during the examinations.
and then came the time for us to step into the world of marriage, children, obligations, jobs.
literature and poetry was delegated to the recesses of our inner hearts.
whenever i came across a poem or interesting lines, it stirred deep emotions. this was apart from the mild escapades i had into the world of writing by way of articles and of course my poems which never saw the light of day.
was it humility or diffidence that stopped me from publishing my own little book of poems?
i will never know. what i do know was that there is a poet in all of us, whether we express it or not. some of us have the gift of expression and for the rest of us it will always be an echo of our emotion when it is given the gift of expression by someone else.
recently, an incident drove home a reminder about the passage of time and changing definitions that come along with it! i happened to visit my favourite home linen store and there was a poetry reading going on in a corner of the store. the confidence of the writer took me by surprise as she read about her missing something as inane as her mom's fish curry!
and here i stood thinking poetry was all about finer emtions, romance?! definitins had changed and how!
literature and more so, poetry was a hallowed subject that elicited awe and inspiration for the poets throughout the ages. as students of literature we couldn't mess around with the existing definitions of style. line syllable, alliteration. all we were allowed was to memorise the lines of poems, the names of various critics and their quotes. these were the factors that would elicit a positive response from our professors during the examinations.
and then came the time for us to step into the world of marriage, children, obligations, jobs.
literature and poetry was delegated to the recesses of our inner hearts.
whenever i came across a poem or interesting lines, it stirred deep emotions. this was apart from the mild escapades i had into the world of writing by way of articles and of course my poems which never saw the light of day.
was it humility or diffidence that stopped me from publishing my own little book of poems?
i will never know. what i do know was that there is a poet in all of us, whether we express it or not. some of us have the gift of expression and for the rest of us it will always be an echo of our emotion when it is given the gift of expression by someone else.
recently, an incident drove home a reminder about the passage of time and changing definitions that come along with it! i happened to visit my favourite home linen store and there was a poetry reading going on in a corner of the store. the confidence of the writer took me by surprise as she read about her missing something as inane as her mom's fish curry!
and here i stood thinking poetry was all about finer emtions, romance?! definitins had changed and how!
Saturday, December 27, 2008
x'mas gift
this was during the last christmas season.
being an avid plant lover, i pick up my favourite plants from my local nursery quite often, and, last year i saw this bright red poinsettia smiling at me. the call was irresistible and i picked up two saplings.
to me buying those plants was the summation of a childhood fantasy about christmas when santa claus was alien to our home, when we didn't have a x'mas tree and when red poinsettias sprinkled with gold dust on greeting cards was the sole reminder of the season of cheer and good will.
and last year, as december gave way to january and then the month of march blew in with a scorching summer, the red leaves of my poinsettia plant turned green and it was relegated to a shady corner. the months sped by, other plants came in josling for space on my terrace.
the year had flown and it was again that time of the year, so fast, so soon: it was december. this year at home, we went the whole hog about the festive season: in a matter of two hours, a five feet tall christmas tree with winking lights, baubles was put up in a corner of the living room. there was a rush to get gifts for family, friends. there was a frantic search on the internet for a quick- soak fruit cake. the next day whizzed past with the baking as our nostrils were assailed with the aroma of the spices in the cake mix.
i hadn't realised it but the only missing item in that x'mas scene was a bright red poinsettia plant. suddenly i remembered and my mind rushed ahead as my feet scurried to the terrace. joy exploded in my veins as i turned to search for my neglected plant and i saw this beautful, perfect, red - centred leaves of my poinsettia plant smiling once again at me. to me it felt like a whole year hadn't sped by. the joy of friends dropping in, the joy of receiving gifts - nothing was as perfect as the beauty of that unexpected smile!
that moment was so precious, so like life: how we wait and dream for so much and how life passes us by as we wait to live those thoughts and dreams.i thought to myself that i had to make a conscious decision to be living than be just alive every day! ( i still have no answer as to why i could not have got these plants earlier.)
being an avid plant lover, i pick up my favourite plants from my local nursery quite often, and, last year i saw this bright red poinsettia smiling at me. the call was irresistible and i picked up two saplings.
to me buying those plants was the summation of a childhood fantasy about christmas when santa claus was alien to our home, when we didn't have a x'mas tree and when red poinsettias sprinkled with gold dust on greeting cards was the sole reminder of the season of cheer and good will.
and last year, as december gave way to january and then the month of march blew in with a scorching summer, the red leaves of my poinsettia plant turned green and it was relegated to a shady corner. the months sped by, other plants came in josling for space on my terrace.
the year had flown and it was again that time of the year, so fast, so soon: it was december. this year at home, we went the whole hog about the festive season: in a matter of two hours, a five feet tall christmas tree with winking lights, baubles was put up in a corner of the living room. there was a rush to get gifts for family, friends. there was a frantic search on the internet for a quick- soak fruit cake. the next day whizzed past with the baking as our nostrils were assailed with the aroma of the spices in the cake mix.
i hadn't realised it but the only missing item in that x'mas scene was a bright red poinsettia plant. suddenly i remembered and my mind rushed ahead as my feet scurried to the terrace. joy exploded in my veins as i turned to search for my neglected plant and i saw this beautful, perfect, red - centred leaves of my poinsettia plant smiling once again at me. to me it felt like a whole year hadn't sped by. the joy of friends dropping in, the joy of receiving gifts - nothing was as perfect as the beauty of that unexpected smile!
that moment was so precious, so like life: how we wait and dream for so much and how life passes us by as we wait to live those thoughts and dreams.i thought to myself that i had to make a conscious decision to be living than be just alive every day! ( i still have no answer as to why i could not have got these plants earlier.)
Thursday, December 25, 2008
my first day!
ok, here goes!
it's amazing or is it funny how we grapple huge losses and heartbreaks inside of us and yet how we tremble when we have to put all those emotions on display? as humans we tend to have this amazing flair for verbalising the inane and internalising the profound!
one wonders whether there is some kind of statistics available on this phenomenon. and it's not as if we are devastated when some of our closely guarded and confided emotions do make the rounds in our personal circles! we then realise, 'o.k, it wasn't so bad after all ,now that most of them do know, the earth still spins on its axis, the moon still waxes and wanes!' life goes on, so does everything around us!
what does change in this nature's permanent backdrop is our changing fortunes and feelings.it doesn't help either knowing the whole human race is not exempted from these feelings. i once remember seeing this scene in some movie about some guy who stands in the street and just keeps telling all the passers-by that his father is no more and they are so full of their own thoughts that they make a random and cursory ,irrelevant reply and walk on!
is it etiquette, conditioning,inhibition or a combination of all these that makes some of the world's population so tongue- tied?
it's amazing or is it funny how we grapple huge losses and heartbreaks inside of us and yet how we tremble when we have to put all those emotions on display? as humans we tend to have this amazing flair for verbalising the inane and internalising the profound!
one wonders whether there is some kind of statistics available on this phenomenon. and it's not as if we are devastated when some of our closely guarded and confided emotions do make the rounds in our personal circles! we then realise, 'o.k, it wasn't so bad after all ,now that most of them do know, the earth still spins on its axis, the moon still waxes and wanes!' life goes on, so does everything around us!
what does change in this nature's permanent backdrop is our changing fortunes and feelings.it doesn't help either knowing the whole human race is not exempted from these feelings. i once remember seeing this scene in some movie about some guy who stands in the street and just keeps telling all the passers-by that his father is no more and they are so full of their own thoughts that they make a random and cursory ,irrelevant reply and walk on!
is it etiquette, conditioning,inhibition or a combination of all these that makes some of the world's population so tongue- tied?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)